Five key practices will allow you to mingle at book events with ease:
Talking Points. I once cohosted a surprise party with the guest of honor’s extroverted partner. We carefully planned each detail—food, venue, guest list, playlist—but on the drive home, the birthday girl told us we should have let her do a bit of planning too. If we’d shared that she’d be leaving the house that evening, she said, “I’d have read the New Yorker this morning so I’d have some things to talk about with all those people.” My friend understood you can construct confidence with good preparation. Before social events, harvest lighthearted culturally relevant conversation starters. With such talking points you can engage people by revealing what interests you. Don’t attempt to control the conversation’s flow. Offer broad, grounded statements that open channels of communication, then see what arises.
Sample Questions. Many questions asked at social gatherings are either too capacious or too restrictive. “How are you?” is hard to answer politely or accurately these days. “What do you do for work?” invites brief dull answers. Brighten up your questions and you’ve got the starting point for quality banter: “What’s the most interesting thing that happened to you today?” Your questions can be lighthearted and probing: “Does the astrological calendar apply to books and their pub dates?” Or try a question that works as a compliment, an opportunity for engagement, and a possible pathway to self-improvement: “Nice shoes! Do you remember where you got them?” Questions that put people at ease lower the stress level for everyone and increase your chances of starting interesting conversations.
Buoy Maps. A buoy is a mooring that stays afloat. What’s attached to a buoy also tends to stay afloat. Scan the guest list in advance if you can. Who could serve as your buoys? Who could you serve as a buoy for in return? A buoy shouldn’t keep you in one place, or with one person, all evening. Move to a new person or group every few minutes, but touch base with your buoys occasionally. Your buoys may be part of conversations you can enter, helping you meet new people. Those new people might become buoys for you at this or some future event.
Beverage Budgets. When anxiety is high, the part of the brain that gauges portions sometimes turns off. It can be useful to consciously set your limits before an event. Maybe you drink two glasses of water between every glass of wine. Maybe you set a limit on how long you intend to stay out. Planning increases the likelihood you will achieve and maintain your goals.
Safe Word. A safe word allows you to move beyond a known comfort zone because there’s a way to come back quickly to what’s safe. Book events can feel intimidating. So many accomplished people doing so many accomplished things. Loud, overlapping conversation. Even with talking points, sample questions, a few buoys, and proper hydration, it’s easy to get overwhelmed. Safe words can help you maintain a sense of control. My favorite: shoes. In any room, you can find people willing to talk about shoes. These delightful conversations will reset the atmosphere and bring you back to yourself.
And if you need to escape the room altogether, you can blame your shoes and head home.
Camille T. Dungy has written and edited nine books. Her tenth, America, a Love Story, is forthcoming in February 2026 from Wesleyan University Press.
Thumbnail credit: Beowulf Sheehan